Commentary-Caregiving

By Patricia Marshall Harris

Classie Media

I want to share my thoughts and experiences as a caregiver and care partner. There’s a meaningful distinction: one is about “doing for,” while the other is about “doing with.”

I feel compelled to share because, as women, many of us are naturally nurturing. While not all, a significant number of women find themselves stepping into caregiving roles—sometimes intentionally, sometimes by circumstance. Unfortunately, this often leads to sacrifices in their health, careers, finances, mental well-being, and even their lives.

Research indicates that chronic stress from long-term caregiving can accelerate aging and shorten lifespan by up to eight years.

This marks my second experience as a caregiver and my first as a care partner.

I’ve always had a nurturing spirit, particularly towards older women. My journey began helping my mother in the kitchen, always eager to lend a hand. Whenever she faced health challenges, even with my siblings nearby, I would return to our family home in Detroit to support her during hospital stays or rehabilitation.

I often think about why women tend to take on caregiving roles and not men.

Mental and physical toll: Caregiving negatively affects emotional well-being for 47% of women (compared to only 30% of men), which is a key factor in why some women seek to avoid or step away from the responsibility.

I’ve always felt a special connection to older women, treating them the way I would want to be treated. I frequently reflected on how I would wish for my mother’s care if my siblings weren’t available.

Older individuals have always been a part of my life, and I’ve formed friendships with many throughout the years. In fact, my first husband was significantly older than I was.

Some of the most meaningful relationships I’ve built as an adult have been with older women, and I found myself empathizing with their experiences. Many were widows, with or without children, and I became someone they could depend on—always by choice.

My first older friend was Mrs. Laura Forgy, who lived across the street from our home in Philadelphia. I still own that house today, and it now houses my business, Classie Media and Classie Nutrition, named in honor of my mother.

From the moment I met Mrs. Forgy, we clicked. She was in her eighties, had no children, and had elderly siblings. Over time, I would take her to doctor appointments and the market, checking in on her regularly—always by choice.

Those who live alone: It’s essential to recognize that about 33% of older women live alone, a figure that rises to nearly 50% for those aged 75 and older.

During the last three years of my first husband’s life, I was his care partner and eventually became his caregiver. I felt a deep commitment to care for him as his wife. While we had help navigating daily life, I also traveled back and forth to New Jersey to oversee our business. We designated one day a week for my self-care, but eventually, he passed away.

Self-care is crucial: 1 in 5 caregivers rate their own physical and emotional health as fair or poor.

A few years later, I developed a close bond with a mutual friend of my husband. Even though she had a son, I took on the role of her power of attorney and caregiver to assist with decision-making while she lived in an assisted living facility. Her son faced some challenges and couldn’t help her. After she passed away, I made sure her son was cared for until his death—again, by choice.

Caregivers: Currently, approximately 63 million Americans serve as family caregivers, reflecting a 45% increase from a decade ago.

In early 2019, my husband’s dear elderly aunt began needing assistance. We used to meet for lunch, but as her health declined, those visits stopped. When she reached out for help with her finances, we became her power of attorney.

We would chat on the phone daily, and I began visiting her for weekly errands. She experienced a few falls, but nothing serious. Then, when COVID hit, we could no longer oversee her care from afar. We decided to move her into our building, and as time went on, she required more help. Although my husband and I shared power of attorney responsibility, everything else, and that too, eventually fell mostly on me. What began as a choice turned into an obligation.

Working: Women account for 61% of all caregivers and often leave the workforce to manage caregiving duties.

I’ve learned that when no one else steps up, it’s vital to ask for help. It’s important to communicate your needs, as others may not realize how much support you require.

Frustrations: Avoid making open-ended, frustrated requests like “I need help.” Instead, ask for specific actions.

Burnout is a real concern; while 40% of caregivers believe respite care would be beneficial, only 13% actually use these services.

Someone recently mentioned that I “assumed” the responsibility for our aunt’s overall well-being. I’m not sure “assumed” is quite the right word, especially when no one else has made themselves available to help.

Years of care: Many caregivers have been providing care for five years or more.

During this time, I have a husband, dog/human, closing a business, and overseeing another—all while being a caregiver for one and a care partner for another.

Responsibilities: With 60% of family caregivers employed, many juggle multiple responsibilities.

What started as a choice eventually felt like a necessity. What other options do you have? It becomes an obligation.

Sadly, our aunt passed away a few days ago—it was her time.

Caregiving should be a shared responsibility among family members. It shouldn’t rest solely on one person. We all have busy lives, work commitments, children, spouses, partners, and sometimes family history impacts why some family members don’t step in.

I’ve learned that when people ignore a situation or act as if they don’t see the need for help, they can choose to avoid getting involved.

Out of sight, out of mind: Relatives who do not live nearby often underestimate the day-to-day toll of caregiving.

In the Black community, there’s often a reluctance to discuss personal matters, as it can feel like sharing too much. However, if you’re not healthy and seeking help from family, where else can you turn? Even though some may have had similar experiences, it’s important to open up.

If you are not healthy mentally, you cannot effectively be a caregiver or care partner; what affects you also affects your loved ones.

Relationships and families:

In a partnership or family, one person’s suffering, stress, or illness inevitably affects the dynamics of the entire household.

Others think you take on this role for recognition or praise or a “God-Like Complex.” In reality, no caregiver or care partner is about seeking praise; it is usually driven by deep love, a sense of duty, or necessity

In many ways, caregiving can feel lonely, selfless, and thankless. It’s not just a job; for some, it’s a commitment made from love, whether by choice or obligation.

Don’t let others make the choice for you.

Disclaimer: The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in the article belong solely to the author, and not necessarily to the author’s employer, The Philadelphia Sunday SUN, the author’s organization, committee or other group or individual.