By Constance Garcia-Barrio
This is the second installment of three in a series about death, grieving and grief counseling.
A caregiver, determined not to burden their children with their grief after the death of their partner — who was the children’s parent — used to lock themselves in the bathroom and cry, said Crystal Wortham, director of clinical services and education with the Uplift Center for Grieving Children, a nonprofit that offers free grief support for youths and their caregivers who have experienced a significant death.
Crystal Wortham, director of clinical services and education, Uplift Center for Grieving Children
Other caregivers have reported sobbing in their cars alone, according to Wortham.
“We ask caregivers to consider the message that they give young people in the way they grieve,” Wortham said. “[At Uplift] We discuss modeling healthy grief responses.”
Many families will need such help due to the loss of a loved one. About 1 in 12 children in the U.S. will experience the death of a parent or sibling by age 18, according to statistics from the American Academy of Adolescent and Child Psychiatry, a Washington, D.C. nonprofit.
In Greater Philadelphia, the Uplift Center aids bereaved children from kindergarten through 12th grade through peer counseling at no charge.
“We serve largely families of color, many of them living at or below the poverty line,” said Uplift executive director Keri Salerno, adding that Uplift reaches about 5,000 clients annually, including youth and caregivers, schools, and professionals working with grieving youth who attend training sessions. “Our peer group model reduces feelings of loneliness and isolation. Children walk into the room and see that they’re not alone.”
Uplift runs 6-week programs in public, private, religious, and charter schools. During the 2022/23 program year, the organization presented in-school grief support programs at 99 schools — there’s always a waiting list, Salerno said.
Wortham offers suggestions for families who can’t take part in grief support groups. Parents or caregivers could begin by asking what the death is stirring up for them, Wortham said. The answers can give caregivers insights about what their children may be feeling.
Wortham also advises caregivers to treat themselves gently.
“Your job gives you X number of days for bereavement, then you’re expected to return and perform as usual,” she said, noting everyone grieves in their own way and on their own timetable.
Remember that you’re steering the entire household through the complexities of mourning, she advises.
Avoid euphemisms, such as telling children that the person went away, Wortham said.
“The child may wonder if the person is coming back,” she said. “It’s clearer to say that the loved one died and explain what that means in age-appropriate terms.”
Younger children may play and seem to go on as usual after a loved one dies, but they frequently give clues about how the event is affecting them. They may become clingy, or they may revert to bedwetting, Wortham said.
Youth may find it hard to concentrate or complete homework assignments, and their sleep patterns may be disrupted, Wortham added.
Being proactive at school can help.
“Make sure that a child’s teacher and school counselor know about the death,” Wortham said. “Have a plan in case the child’s grief becomes overwhelming.”
Deep breathing, squeezing a rubber/stress ball, or palming a smooth stone may soothe children. Maybe it could be arranged for the child to go to the school counselor when they’re having big feelings, Wortham said.
Let the child decide which classmates to tell, and how much the child wants to share, she said. If the death has been in the media, often the case with a murder or suicide, it may carry stigma.
“It’s even more reason to be mindful of a child’s wishes,” Wortham said.
The feeling of grief often varies from day to day, and even minute to minute, she said. Asking questions can help caregivers gauge how their child is feeling at a given moment.
“Sometimes I ask a child to describe their feelings as if they were weather conditions,” Wortham said. “They might say, ‘It’s been stormy, but it’s starting to clear up now.’”
“Caregivers could also ask what size the child’s grief is that day,” Wortham said. “Is it small enough to put in your pocket or does it feel like as enormous as an elephant?
The key elements in helping children are honesty, patience, and presence.
“Often, children just need for you to be there, to listen,” Wortham says.
Resources
The center assists families through its Philly Hopeline, a free confidential helpline staffed by master’s level clinicians who help callers with grief and emotional support: 1 (833)-PHL-HOPE or 1-(833) 745-4673. The line is open Monday through Thursday from 10 a.m. to 7 p.m., and Friday from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. and closed on holidays. Hopeline LGBTQIA+ clinician hours are Tuesday from 7 p.m. to 4 p.m., and Wednesdays and Thursdays from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. Bilingual clinicians staff the line on Mondays from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. and Fridays from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m.
Uplift increases its resources by networking with organizations, like nearby Camp Erin-Philadelphia. Part of the Penn Medicine Hospice, a free weekend bereavement camp.
https://elunanetwork.org/camps-programs/camp-erin
Uplift’s website lists resources like Death Is Stupid, by Anastasia Higginbotham, https://www.dottirpress.com/death-is-stupid, which addresses some of children’s confusions about death and dying: https://www.upliftphilly.org/programs/uplift-resources/book-recommendations/
Some churches and organizations like the Islamic Burial Network https://www.islamicburialnewark.com/grief-support/grief-resources offer peer support
See “Talk, Listen, Connect: When Families Grieve https://sesameworkshop.org/topics/grief/
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