Please Note: The answers within this column are not given by a trained psychologist, so please seek medical help where needed. This column, its author, the newspaper and publisher are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your well-being.
Dear Muva:
Should a woman ‘pursue’ a man she’s interested in?
-F.K
Dear F.K.,
That truly depends upon the person, in my humble opinion. Muva was raised to never do such a thing because she was born when dinosaurs roamed the earth, and it was told to her with dire warnings, complete with Bible scriptures to match, that it felt like she would turn into a pillar of salt should she try and get caught. So she never did. Cultural upbringing and religion are a couple of strong reasons why women would rather die than “chase” after a man to ask him on a date.
I met a woman who confessed that at almost 70, she longed to be married. She never experienced it. She was taught to concentrate on school and to build the trappings of wealth, which she did. She is a medical doctor, has a big old house, a Mercedes, fur coats, and has traveled the world several times.
She was taught to not let a man touch or live with her in her single life, and she threw all her energies into work. She gets “convicted” by the Bible and her pastor preaching about sin; her sadness was so palpable.
Her mother raised her this way and I swear, she would happily give up some of that wealth to experience true love.
There are women, however, who pursued the man they liked and had happy endings.
A word of caution – those women put in time, tears and learned many a lesson along the pathway to marriage. So, whether he pursues you or the other way around, it all takes serious work to get there. There is no magic pill in any relationship.
Search your heart- take a deep breath, and do what works for YOU.
Dear Muva:
How do you silence the noise in your head that makes you feel you are not doing well as a mom?
-Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
How much time do you have? Whether you adopted or carried and gave birth, being a mom is a herculean effort, and as such, we begin motherhood mostly in awe that we are now responsible for raising this little pink, squirmy thing into a productive person. You want them to be the best at everything they say and do, and you hope people like them.
Honey, there will be days that you are going to remind yourself that you should like them, too, after the cute baby smells wear off and they begin to have smelly poop, thoughts, opinions and enough attitude to make your head swivel.
You will have days when you hear them crying from teething or being sick, and you will dissolve into tears too from exhaustion and worry.
You will have days when you are simply tired from not having the carefree life you had before a child came along and guilt will set in. It will not last – I promise.
It is okay to take breaks. Have a trusted family member or friend babysit for a few hours or days, so you can regain your equilibrium and sanity. There is no shame to this parenting game.
If you inherited a child from a previous relationship, you have the added stress of being the “shake and bake” addition, and that takes another layer of grit to work through it all with love, compassion and some boundaries.
Here is the bottom line – tell that noise in your head to shut up, and find someone else to annoy, because your child will be just fine. Trust Muva on this – my two made it to adulthood unscathed and I am still standing like Rocky Balboa at the top of the steps after a triumphant run! You got this!
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