By Constance Garcia-Barrio
This is the first installment of three in a series on grieving and resources for grief counseling.
A disheartening event in the childhood of Roxborough resident Naila Francis led to a hint of her future calling as a death midwife, or death doula, and grief counselor.
“Kids were throwing rocks at our dog, Timmy, who was out in our yard,” Francis said. “One of the rocks hit Timmy in the head and killed him. My little brother, Joachim, and I were terribly upset, and I wanted to console him.”
Francis was about 9 at the time and Joachim was 7.
“I remember putting my arm around him and offering some words or a prayer. When my parents returned home, we buried Timmy.”
Francis, who was born in Barbados and raised in St. Lucia, would become the founder of This Hallowed Wilderness, which guides people navigating grief.
Although an astrological chart years after Timmy’s dying would reveal to Francis that according to her beliefs she had been a death worker in other lives, that reading lay far ahead.
Francis’s family moved often in her childhood, because her father was an airline pilot. They made a home in Delaware County until her father returned to St. Lucia after her parents divorced. Francis remained in Delaware County, then earned a degree in journalism from Lehigh University.
“I began writing for newspapers in Chester, Delaware and Bucks Counties,” said Francis, who has interviewed celebrities, including singer Bobby McFerrin and author Elizabeth Gilbert.
In 2012, Francis got word that her father, in fragile health with esophageal cancer, had been hospitalized. She thought he would pull through the crisis as he had in the past until her family urged her to come at once.
“When I walked into the [hospital] room, my father said, ‘I’m on my way out.’ I didn’t freak out or beg him to stay,” Francis said.
Instead, she companioned her father with deep attention throughout his last three days.
That experience nudged her in a new direction. She left journalism in 2014 and became an electronic commerce writer, describing goods and services available online. She also wrote greeting cards for Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and other occasions, for American Greetings, but it became tedious.
“There are only so many ways to express the same sentiment,” Francis said.
A shift came in 2019 when Francis trained with Dora Carpenter, founder of the Institute of Professional Grief Coaching, on how to help people find their way forward after the death of a loved one while honoring the loss. Francis, an ordained interfaith minister and reiki practitioner, also took a weekend intensive with The Death Midwife, an organization that provides hands-on instruction in interacting with the dying and their families.
Her studies also included psychotherapist Francis Weller’s Grief Ritual Leadership Training, said Francis, who has been a death doula and grief counselor for 5 years.
Given our death-phobic society, we seldom discuss what to do as someone is dying, Francis said. It leaves us ill-prepared. Death doulas can help the dying and their families address the issues skillfully, she said.
Death doulas vary in their approach. Some focus on documents: Does a family member have a medical power of attorney, allowing them to make decisions on the person’s behalf? Does someone know the person’s passwords?
Other death doulas help the dying focus on their legacy. For example, they may help the dying person in making a video about their lives. Some doulas — and music therapists — assist the person in making a recording that combines their favorite music with the sound of their heartbeat, according to CareDimensions, an organization that provides hospice and palliative care.
Death doulas also lend a hand in establishing and maintaining the desired ambiance,” Francis said. “Does the dying person want music? Candlelight? A certain quilt? The presence of children to lighten the energy?”
Others concentrate on funeral plans. Would the person prefer direct cremation or a green burial without embalming?
Doulas also provide respite care so that families can take a break from the bedside.
Immediately after someone dies, the family may be swamped with the work of settling the estate, Francis said, but at some point, we face grief.
“Many of us are closed off from grief,” she said. “We don’t want to feel it. Then again, grief can seem overwhelming. You may tell yourself, ‘I can’t let myself feel the grief because I’ll never come out of it. But it’s the other way around: If you don’t let yourself feel it, you may become stuck in it.”
Dorothy Johnson Speight, Ed.D., founded Mothers in Charge, an anti-violence group, after her son was killed over a parking space. She offered insights about trying to sidestep grief.
“Initially, I self-medicated, and that’s not the answer,” Johnson Speight said. “After you’ve drugged yourself, sexed yourself, and drunk heavily, grief is still there.”
Unrecognized grief — be it from losing a partner, pet, home, job, stillborn child, or something else — can burden body and spirit and leave one vulnerable to illness, said Lisa De Sieno, director of Bereavement Services at Minnesota’s Mayo Clinic.
The mind and body provide signs like insomnia, overeating or undereating, to that signal the need for attention to grief, Francis said. While some people may see such a need as a sign of weakness, she urges them to reframe the issue.
“You wouldn’t be grieving if it weren’t for all the love you feel,” she said.
Tools like journaling can assist, said Francis, who is also a poet.
“Our grief wants to move through us, to have some practice to engage and honor it,” Francis said. “Journaling can guide us toward comfort and acceptance.”
Francis will give a 4-session workshop, “Writing the Broken Heart,” from May 15 to June 5 through the Mt. Airy Learning Tree.
Creating a ritual to commemorate the deceased, such a lighting a candle for them or visiting a place they enjoyed can also offer solace, the Mayo Clinic’s De Sieno said.
Hospitals, churches and other religious organizations may have grief support groups. Individual grief counseling is another option.
“Grief isn’t something to be fixed,” Francis stressed. “It’s a natural response to loss and change.”
Naila Francis will lead a free “Grief Walk with Goats” on July 20 with the Philly Goat Project at the Awbury Arboretun, located at 6336 Ardleigh Street. For more information, call: (215) 783-8057 or visit: www.awbury.org/.
To learn more about This Hallowed Wilderness, visit: www.thishallowedwilderness.com/. For more information about Mt.Airy Learning Tree programs, visit: https://mtairylearningtree.org/.
For guidance, also consider YouTube’s The Grief Channel, https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCeQz4-WRg2us-wGNA2bzrJQ
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