Dear Muva:
Should a man in a committed relationship always love his woman more than she loves him?
Signed: lost and in love.
Dear lost and in love:
Muva has heard this very statement many times, and chile, listen –women often swear it is true. Since there has been no scientific poll done to date that Muva is aware of, what I want to know is why is this important to you?
Are you worried you may love someone more than he loves you and that it may all fall apart as a direct result? Are you trying to decide if your significant other is clingy, or just loving you more than you expected? You did not give me much to work with, so here we are.
l have found in my personal experiences that the truth lies here – when a man loves you, you really don’t have to ask, because it shows up in his actions. Men are not chatty and overly affectionate people by nature, so when he shows up in love by doing things because he has observed and made them happen for you, that is a great sign.
I also sought the advice of my Mister, and his take on it is this – it all depends on the man, and how deep the relationship is. That can happen on either end. In short, his answer is no.
All l ask is that regardless of whoever you are dating, do not fall so head over heels in love that you fail to identify things which may be detrimental down the road. Some folks just need to be left alone, no matter how impressive they may seem at first glance. I hope this helped to answer your question.
Dear Muva:
How do you explain cognitive bias to White people that keep telling Blacks, “You just gotta keep doing good work; doesn’t it always work in favor of Black women?”
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated:
According to Wikipedia: “a cognitive bias is a systematic pattern of deviation from norm or rationality in judgement. Individuals create their own “subjective social reality” from their perception of the input. An individual’s construction of social reality, not the objective input, may dictate their behavior in the social world.”
My dear, the answer to THIS question is simply this – you can show them better than you can tell them. Some folks in other cultures firmly believe that the undermined cultures around them are simply making much ado about nothing, because after all, that is NOT what they experience, and it just feels like incessant whining to them. “Pull yourself up by your boot straps,” is a phrase so many use without acknowledging that there are certain innate privileges that come from being in the majority group.
Allow Muva to give you an example: In Jamaica, Black people are the dominant culture on an island that touts on the coat of arms “out of many, we are one people.” As a direct result, most of the persons in power there represents that dominant group.
When Muva was in school, there was a smattering of White children there, too, and as the minority group, they struggled in classes, etc. Why is that you ask? They saw very few examples around them that reflected what they needed to maintain and build upon, that which they identified with. The lesson, then, is for us to meet each culture in a perfect world so that we all feel included.
That is not likely to happen, but now that you see the example above, what helps Black people and Black women in particular is to find their “tribe of mentors, peers and families who will remind them that they are valuable, so they can continue to achieve with purpose, despite what is said to the contrary. You can go one step further by doing the same for others who may be feeling unheard and marginalized. So, when the petulance is sent your way in ways subtle and otherwise, draw on your tribe, dust yourself off mentally, save your energy, and refuse to acknowledge that which you know not to be true. Keep on shining.
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